her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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