I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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