You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
