if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
