Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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