So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize