I heard we made out
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
