don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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