Define "chronic" masturbator.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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