Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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