Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
