Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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