Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
