I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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