my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Someone shit on the floor
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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