I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
