I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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