I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dear god my vagina.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
