Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
