you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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