I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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