I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
