We need to start having sex underwater more often.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
