when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
