I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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