bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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