I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
