Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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