Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
a search helicopter?!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize