I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
