theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm always down for nudity.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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