Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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