dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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