At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
a search helicopter?!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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