I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
