I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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