Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
