I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
