I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
