good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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