I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
