my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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