The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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