Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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