Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
