those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Quick, to the slutcave!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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