Will you blow on my dice?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
