I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
