I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
