dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
