I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
