he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
