We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
