thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
