You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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