Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
