Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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