Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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