I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
