So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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