my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
