You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
