Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
