she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
