Screwed.edu
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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