Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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