Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize