i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
