final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
