i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
