I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
smell my finger.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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