Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
