Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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